once again i break your heart

once again i break your heart

while im stuck on counting who has broken mine.

all you ever do is bless me,

and love me.

but my eyes are pulled away.

here i try to warn the others,

no one listens, no one understands

and i myself have fallen prey



how could we let ourselves be deceived,

how could we forget our reason,

how could we become so distracted?



infatuated with our desires,

comforted by our emotions,

running back to a mortal hand,

and forgetting yours.

in tears you call our name,

in pain you give us life,

in blood you offer us salvation




we say we love you,

we think were doing your will,

but we keep running back to ours.

why have we attempted
to conform you to our will,

rather than to conform ourselves to yours?

have we accepted your sacrifice in vain,

to profit ourselves?
or have we laid down our desires, will, and life

as you have done for us?




children,

stand up,

open your ears,

open your eyes,

open your hearts


in the end

we will stand or we will fall.

there is no middle ground.



may we return to the truth,

the life,

the way...

and not alone,

but together, let us stand.

An Ode to the Lifeless

Embrace the ignorance,

As we feed on temporary pleasures

Try to love us, we'll hate you

Try to lift us up, we'll cut you down

Let me crack the whip,

Just one more time,

One more time,

One more time

5 more minutes of satisfaction for my vacant soul

This is the life

Forget the sky

Forget gazing towards the stars

Find us new ways,

To dig down through this sandbox

We'll miss China

And dig straight to hell

We'll dig straight to hell.

With no purpose, no life,

These empty holes become our graves.

Why is time escaping me so quickly?

I have less than six months left.

What is life and what does it mean?

Is everything just to create another memory?

And what are these memories and the past?

Is it just some thoughts that remain in our minds?

God, give me understanding.

I'm chained to a person that I don't want to be.

I want the chains to be broken

I want to wake up from this sleep

May these words not be in vain,

Forgive me, my faults.

I hate my selfishness, my daze, and the half-hearted smiles.

Help me to deny myself, to accept you.

Let every breath be breathed unto you.

Let my life in every aspect glorify you and show your love

Help me to achieve these goals

Dear Father, My King,

Lord, why is it that I am so superficial, so fake?

That I feel nothing towards anyone

My words are empty

They are all that I am.

My expressionless expressions

-no smile, no tear, no laugh,

They attempt to turn a cheery face to a downcast one.

Tired, indifferent, impatient, angry, annoyed

Why is this all I am anymore?

A blank paper shows more than me.

I am my closest friend,

I am my worst enemy.

I wander through a fading forest,

This scene has become my home.

What have I done, what have I been, what can I do?

Must I act upon what I know I should,

Even if I do not feel, even if my heart isn't in it?

Oh I wish I could be pierced by brokenness again

from your Spirit.

I long to be with you.

With tired, lifeless eyes,

I look onto this page,

For a time it seemed

things would be getting better

but oh, how time has slipped through my fingers.

I remain a life without life

I drift through the day by thought, but without heart

Does a heart even remain

inside this hollow man?

what of this wilting soul?

My Lord, I've sought you out

I began this journey happy, fervent, and loving,

with my brothers and sisters

Now I drag myself toward you, cold and alone, in darkness

so empty and dry that even this pain does not render a

tear or wince inside of me.

I am nothing but the dust which I crawl through.

How long oh God, how long?

Until I plead you to just take me home.

The contrast makes it worse

To know liberty, life, and love

and to have it taken away

out of my control

Even pain and tears have left me

I can now only feel a glimpse of desire.

God save me

I'm fading

just a memory

When I woke up from a nap on my ride home this evening, 

I saw the Christmas lights in our neighborhood, 

And for less then a second I could feel that holiday joy or any joy for that matter, of pure
innocence, that i have not felt for a long while 



My sixteenth year was perhaps one of the happiest of my life,

My seventeenth year through now has been the hardest.

Each month seems to get harder and lonlier, 

Each week the night will come when I break down into sorrow and tears,

I praise God that I can finally cry again, and feel pain,
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. 

Yet the next morning I wake up to my emotionless self, as a stone.

Above all feelings I wish I could feel love again. 

To be loved and to show love.



I miss who I really am, a person full of love, joy, and hope,

Who seeks with all his heart the very heart of God. 



When I leave for college or when I die, 

What did I do, what did I leave, what did I mean?

I'm just another memory, just another person.

I dream of being more, of God using me here,

But along with all my other dreams, they now seem so far, so unreal. 



What went wrong? What mistake did I make?

If I could know, I would take it back. 

I hang onto my God, my King,

With all my life, with all thats left of me.



...I'm waiting and hoping in this suffering...



Peace like a river quiets my soul.

It is well,

It is well with my soul.

It's just another day,
I'm feeling alone,
Feeling so far from you.
It seems I fail to do,
all the right things I should do

God,
You're all I want,
and it seems that you're the one thing I can't find.
I feel like I've tried so many times,
with silence as a reply.
I can't feel much anymore
I once had a soft loving heart
Joyous blue eyes and a sensitive soul.
But now I feel cold- physically and emotionally
Nothing seems real anymore
It's all like a dream, day after day
The colors in life have faded away
Now everything is shaded in gray
I once sought for good friends,
but never seemed to find that perfect best friend,
that everyone seems to have.
And I lost many friends while seeking.
So many times I feel like I'm on the losing side,
abandoned and alone.

I'll never forget when you became so real to me,
That time my life was so drastically changed,
I was so alive and fervent for you.
But where did that all go?
I kept on seeking you, and kept on loving you,
but now I feel worse than before.
I haven't fallen to sin, so what went wrong?

And now it becomes apparent to me,
that these are my last days here at home.
To most I'll be nothing more than another person,
Another memory, no one special, no one who changed anything.
I've prayed and tried but seemed to get nowhere.
All I can do is more of the same,
and hope that one day, you will have used me.

If there's one thing I've heard from you in this time,
It's "keep holding on."
In spite of sorrow,
your words give me strength.
Maybe this is a trial,
and you're working in my heart,
for greater things ahead,
which I so badly wish for.
It's times like these
I learn to live by faith
It's so hard, hanging on.
But I'll keep holding onto you.

Shine a Little Darker

The stars, They shine,

A little darker this night,

And every night,

You give yourself away,

To the world, to the people,

Ripping you apart,

In the smoke, in the lust,

In the lips and the flame.

This breaks my heart.

It swells with the pulse,

Of thoughts, that fear,

For where you could be.

Oh God, have mercy on us all!

Or maybe tears blur my vision.

This breaks my heart:

You give yourself away.

Why couldn’t you stand strong?

Why couldn’t you wait?

It’s not condemnation that brings me to my words,

But I love you, I care about what is best for you.

Maybe you’ll never see that.

I miss your innocent heart,

And the innocent laughter

But now flesh is stone,

And all the rocks fall together.

But then I wonder if there ever was anything real,

In your heart, or if it was all ideas;

It seems I’ve failed.

I’ve failed to be the right friend,

Failed to show concerns,

Failed to ask you if you needed help,

When you could be suffering,

The darkness alone,

And I didn’t see a crack on your face,

Or a tear in your eye.

I’ve lost my chances,

My hands are empty.

Forgive me.

I can’t decide for you,

The way you will go,

You choose what’s true,

And what is your foe

A Two-Sided Di in the Palm of Your Hand

Life, it’s so painless when all is for thrills,

Faith, only when you want it to be real

Comfort, comfort, complacency kills.

There’s more to this life than what you can feel.

Self-centered fools, it’s all about you,

Tell that to God on the day of his wrath.

Drink from the well of contempt which you drew,

Onto the road, we step off of the path

If truth is but rules, feelings, and words

Hollow our souls, and hallow our heads.

Claim that which by blood was conquered.

Leave all the shame and the sorrows for dead.

Is what you’re living for, worth dying for?

There is freedom and love forevermore.

So be it

I'll tell you why,
When you exclude,
You imply,
That you dislike,
To try,
And you hate,
So much about me.

For what you hate
Is my faith,
You think that being
A Christian is so simple,
That my life is perfect without any problems.
Tell me, do we not both bleed blood?
Do we not both cry tears?
When my heart beats,
Doesn't it sound like yours?
Life is not easy,
Though God supplies,
And my heart is complete,
I face rejection,
Temptation,
And disgust.

I wish I could know you,
I wish we could be friends,
But your prejudice,
Your dislike and disgust,
Always kill the chance.
You don't know me,
But I wish you could.

I'm not out to judge,
I'm not out to force,
You to believe in God,
But I risk my popularity,
My "status," my friends,
And my very life,
Because I love you.

If it takes my blood,
To love the ones,
that hate me,
So be it.

"Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man." (Luke 6:22)