just a memory

When I woke up from a nap on my ride home this evening, 

I saw the Christmas lights in our neighborhood, 

And for less then a second I could feel that holiday joy or any joy for that matter, of pure
innocence, that i have not felt for a long while 



My sixteenth year was perhaps one of the happiest of my life,

My seventeenth year through now has been the hardest.

Each month seems to get harder and lonlier, 

Each week the night will come when I break down into sorrow and tears,

I praise God that I can finally cry again, and feel pain,
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. 

Yet the next morning I wake up to my emotionless self, as a stone.

Above all feelings I wish I could feel love again. 

To be loved and to show love.



I miss who I really am, a person full of love, joy, and hope,

Who seeks with all his heart the very heart of God. 



When I leave for college or when I die, 

What did I do, what did I leave, what did I mean?

I'm just another memory, just another person.

I dream of being more, of God using me here,

But along with all my other dreams, they now seem so far, so unreal. 



What went wrong? What mistake did I make?

If I could know, I would take it back. 

I hang onto my God, my King,

With all my life, with all thats left of me.



...I'm waiting and hoping in this suffering...



Peace like a river quiets my soul.

It is well,

It is well with my soul.