just a memory

When I woke up from a nap on my ride home this evening, 

I saw the Christmas lights in our neighborhood, 

And for less then a second I could feel that holiday joy or any joy for that matter, of pure
innocence, that i have not felt for a long while 



My sixteenth year was perhaps one of the happiest of my life,

My seventeenth year through now has been the hardest.

Each month seems to get harder and lonlier, 

Each week the night will come when I break down into sorrow and tears,

I praise God that I can finally cry again, and feel pain,
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. 

Yet the next morning I wake up to my emotionless self, as a stone.

Above all feelings I wish I could feel love again. 

To be loved and to show love.



I miss who I really am, a person full of love, joy, and hope,

Who seeks with all his heart the very heart of God. 



When I leave for college or when I die, 

What did I do, what did I leave, what did I mean?

I'm just another memory, just another person.

I dream of being more, of God using me here,

But along with all my other dreams, they now seem so far, so unreal. 



What went wrong? What mistake did I make?

If I could know, I would take it back. 

I hang onto my God, my King,

With all my life, with all thats left of me.



...I'm waiting and hoping in this suffering...



Peace like a river quiets my soul.

It is well,

It is well with my soul.

It's just another day,
I'm feeling alone,
Feeling so far from you.
It seems I fail to do,
all the right things I should do

God,
You're all I want,
and it seems that you're the one thing I can't find.
I feel like I've tried so many times,
with silence as a reply.
I can't feel much anymore
I once had a soft loving heart
Joyous blue eyes and a sensitive soul.
But now I feel cold- physically and emotionally
Nothing seems real anymore
It's all like a dream, day after day
The colors in life have faded away
Now everything is shaded in gray
I once sought for good friends,
but never seemed to find that perfect best friend,
that everyone seems to have.
And I lost many friends while seeking.
So many times I feel like I'm on the losing side,
abandoned and alone.

I'll never forget when you became so real to me,
That time my life was so drastically changed,
I was so alive and fervent for you.
But where did that all go?
I kept on seeking you, and kept on loving you,
but now I feel worse than before.
I haven't fallen to sin, so what went wrong?

And now it becomes apparent to me,
that these are my last days here at home.
To most I'll be nothing more than another person,
Another memory, no one special, no one who changed anything.
I've prayed and tried but seemed to get nowhere.
All I can do is more of the same,
and hope that one day, you will have used me.

If there's one thing I've heard from you in this time,
It's "keep holding on."
In spite of sorrow,
your words give me strength.
Maybe this is a trial,
and you're working in my heart,
for greater things ahead,
which I so badly wish for.
It's times like these
I learn to live by faith
It's so hard, hanging on.
But I'll keep holding onto you.