My silence speaks louder than my words,
but here they speak in vain:
There is nowhere that I can be alone,
Yet everywhere that I go, I feel alone.
They can all hear my stammered words,
They can all see the expressions on my face.
and maybe the tears in my eyes.
but no one really hears my heart screaming
No one sees it beat blood through aching holes.
Ill pour some sand in my heart to soak up the blood.
Ill put a smile on my face so you won't know
what I don't think you will understand
because I believe that I am alone.
I've convinced myself that the God I claim to live for
can hear me, but will not respond.
Have I attempted to deify myself?

You pity yourself you selfish fool.
You hate this world and all you want is someone else to hate it with you.
You once knew love when your world was a crib,
and you want to go back to that world.
You don't want the world you are resistantly forced into
and feel as though you must embrace so much of it that you don't want to.
You are in a state of helpless, hopeless confusion.
You will not open your heart, you will not show it
because you are afraid that no one will understand.
You do not even believe God understands you,
You steal the joy of others and take none for yourself.
Yet you are selfish and stubborn.
You don't know your purpose anymore,
You don't see your calling.
You are bipolar, emotional, and dramatic.
You are lost and feel you have become a burden to those around you

I do not understand what I am meant to understand.
Why is it all so easy for every other person to grasp and so difficult for me?
If I'm meant to let go of something, why was I meant to grab it in the first place.

Where is a cure?
Where is understanding?
Where is community?
Where is agreement?
Where is faith?
Where is God?
Where is love?
Where am I?

Where I look is where I go
And these are the things I see in a mirror
A mirror which stands between me and God

abandon

this is who you are,
or rather, who you're not
the solidity of your beliefs
is now fragments, scattered, and skewed
deceived to the point of being turned inside out
truth and the conscious are tossed and twisted
around a fallacy which has raped you of wisdom


"You left behind hopes and dreams of a life left incomplete.
You walked away from everything you believed in,
When you wanted to change the world.

You left behind all remains.
You left behind all that remains. "

"Needles"- Haste the Day

too quick to leave

im too quick to forget
let me leave with the luggage
you can keep all the pictures
the dirt from my hands
but keep them around, like you keep yourself
im sure ill return
cause in the back of my mind, and on the other line,
ill always assume youll be there
and you will
and you will

cause so often i walk by
like a penny on the sidewalk
when you're the rags with a tin can
or the crimson-thorned flower that dies with the bulb of a streetlamp
and no one knows if its blood
and no one knows if its love
and no one cares that it dies, just the color it brings
and the only water it gets, are the tears that it heaves
or the throat of a bottle that wants to dislodge
but it's stuck in a box with five other friends
the friends are the foes
but its hard to see with glass in your eyes
I just want to tell myself
you're the dollar wrapped up with a coat and a tie
or the stars with a hand that will fit right in mine
the book with an outline, and the highlights in bold
or a painted mirror with the colors i chose, and the whole face exposed

how can i be, too quick to leave
the only place im welcome to stay

is your God really God?

so i got on my blog friday night for the first time in months, and anyways i was reading some of my older blogs and i was just like, in awe of how time has changed me, or rather, how I've allowed time to change me. I was shocked to see how much passion I used to have for God- which I would have given everything I have to know Him more, had just become a casual desire. I was suddenly in one of those deep thoughtful modes and so I figured that it would be a good time to over to 24 in the chapel, which was going on for the day.
So I got to the chapel, not really expecting anything, but at the same time, not really expecting nothing to happen, I just felt the desire to go worship God. I swear this next part is a miracle: as I entered the building and began walking up into the balcony, I was taken back to a place when I first fell in love with God as a young boy, where I let nothing get in the way, I just wanted to know and love God. I began to think of the many blessings God has given me, and how real and how close He has been to me, even though I have felt as if He was so distant. I simply broke down and just exploded in tears and felt so close to God, like I had not felt in like over a year and a half. It was amazing, it was like this shell had been broken off of me, and I began to realize that I had let so much of my mind get in the way of the simple facts of loving God. I had let my mind become so analytical, trying to figure out God and exactly what he was doing, trying to logically explain the way things were, and just letting all these doubts build up in me. I realized at that moment like I had never before: God CANNOT fit in our minds. We will NEVER fully understand God, and if we could, then he wouldn't be God. He is so much bigger than what our minds can comprehend. I am in no way disregarding the importance of seeking wisdom, but I got to a point in my life, where I let my mind try to solve every little problem in a way that I was forgetting the simple child-like faith of just loving God, trusting in Him, and being with Him. Anyways, that night was soooo awesome! I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, and I want to share that with anyone who wants to hear about it.

it reminds me a lot of this song that I really love by As Cities Burn, its called "Clouds"... the lyrics are:
Is your love really Love?
Is my love really Love?
I think our love isn't Love,
Unless it's Love to the end.

Is your god really God?
Is my god really God?
I think our god isn't God,
If he fits inside our heads.)
that pretty much sums it up

awkward me

why am i so awkward and shy?
why did i turn out this way,
the one who doesn't talk much,
the one that gets along with people, but never really fits in,
one who is often misunderstood.
because i am so shy around new people or people that i just really dont know that well
they often mistake it for being arrogance or conceitedness
when i have no desire of thinking myself better than anyone else on this earth
my social skills suck.
its easy for most people to meet new people, but not for me
it scares the crap out of me to talk to someone that ive never talked to before.
to every girl i have ever been interested in, i probably just appear to be this creepy boring awkward person
i dont want to be a monotone person with a boring life.
i wish people could just know who i am inside.
that once they get to know me i can be funny, or crazy, and talk for hours about life, and God and stuff.
i am an introvert
and i have to pay the consequences for it.
to be effective in society, you have to be outgoing and talkative.
im not.
not until you get to know me.
even around people ive known my whole life, i am awkward.
i wasnt always that way, was i?
around family friends, friend's families, and my extended family
i am out of place.
i am not necessarily rejected or looked down upon,
but i am rather an awkward disturbance to a pleasant scene.
maybe it would be better if i wasnt in that place.
did God make me to be this way?
is there some purpose in my introversion,
or am i simply neglecting the risk taking aspect of living life and living for God

i love spending time with people
and i love spending time with myself
i am not "emo" and i dont try to be "emo"
i am not by writing this hoping to receive some special attention or sympathy
i am just trying to be honest with whats going on in my mind right now.
and i want people to know how i feel.
how many friendships have i screwed up or missed out on just because i cant seem to carry on a good conversation thats not awkward
i wish i could communicate like everyone else, but i just cant

i guess i have to really get to know people before i really can be myself
i could carry on a deep conversation for hours even with someone i dont know well, but i am not good at engaging the conversation
i feel like the other person is annoyed with me or doesnt care, or that maybe i have already made the situation awkward and that maybe i should just shut up and start messing with my cell phone
ive never really felt insecure about myself
but maybe this is an insecurity of mine
and i always just make some feeble attempt to cover it up
maybe its why some people cant get past that friend status to becoming a friend that really truly knows me, and i really truly know them,
maybe its my fault
because im always so scared im going to mess something up
im always afraid to tell people who i am, because they could instead be watching a movie or something better with social people
see, i cant base a relationship on just that "hey whats up, how are you" kind of stuff
i cant just know what your status is, where your from, what your major is, and just watch movies or something
i want to truly know people.
i want to know their beliefs, how their past has brought them to the present, i want to know their strengths and weaknesses,
i want a friendship that is true, and not fake. something that is deep and real.
a friendship where both of us can encourage one another.

it is truly my desire to be a blessing to every person that i come in contact with
so please, never think that i am trying to be arrogant, or that i dont want to talk or get to know you,
or that i am just some weird guy that is boring.

God i give you this weakness of mine
i give you my inadequacies
i ask you to use them for your glory.
help me to know who you want me to be and to be who you want me to be

Oh foolish one!

You tripped on your shoelaces

There's no one to blame,

Your blood is on your hands.

You thought you had it all put together,

Leave it as it is and hope it doesn't fall apart.

Look in the mirror and see what an ugly face pride can give you

Have you forgotten?

Every heartbeat, step, breath,

is by the grace of God.

Oh what a merciful God, who loves fools.

Who replaces my folly with wisdom,

Who forgets my mistakes.

I cannot make it a day without him.

where is home?

I want to be home but,

I don't know where my home is,

because my heart is in a million places.

hope

It's better to hope, and get let down

then to never have hoped at all

At least I can say I tried.

Some say faith shows ignorance and weakness,

but I say it shows strength-

The willingness to hope and believe in success

and risk that failure may come.

But the real test is when failure does come,

Do we stay on the ground,

or do we get up and hope again?

have you ever thought about how weird the word "blog" is?

so i finally decided to get a blog put together.  it seems like it'll be a little better than posting all of my blogs on myspace.  so i will probably start posting some of my writings and stuff.  I will post my old writings according to the date I wrote them.  so you can look back and see all the stuff I've written

I do not feel fullness,
and i do not feel emptiness,
I feel nothingness.
Lord, you said I could drink from living waters
and thirst no more.
But i do thirst... so much...
I am as dry and parched as the driest desert
You told me I would have life
but i feel no life
I feel like a lifeless sullen tree,
wasting away with the time.
I cry out for you, and you do not come
I know I have made so many mistakes,
but I have faithfully served you,
I have devoted my life to you
and obeyed your commands.
You asked me to give you my whole life
and i did.
You asked me to love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul
and I swear, if there is any love in me, it loves you
My greatest desire in this life is to love you and know you and please you
And here i lie on my face in this dust, feeling forsaken.
I beg you to speak to me,
and I hear no answer
You told me you would never leave me nor forsake me,
but I feel so alone,
with nowhere to turn
Is there nothing I can do, to change this?
there is nothing i can do
but wither away like the grass waiting for the rain.
God, I wish I could feel again.
I am so out of touch with reality,
nothing i do seems sincere,
even though I want with all my heart for it to be sincere.
I often wonder if anything could break me from this spell
I wish i could open my eyes again,
and see the world again for the first time.
I wish my heart could beat again,
like it did for the first time.
I wish I could love again,
Like I did for the first time.
I wish I had love,
but i feel none.
What i want more than anything is you, and love
I would give it all to be able to love again.

God, I will never give up on you
My heart will never give up,
But all it seems to be,
is helpless mechanical beats
inside of a cold stone
next to a clock quickly ticking away time
If I could feel right now,
My heart would probably feel like its dying.

but in these self-centered thoughts
you once again remind me...

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed, thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord unto me
God has been faithful, he will be again
He's always been faithful to me