I do not feel fullness,
and i do not feel emptiness,
I feel nothingness.
Lord, you said I could drink from living waters
and thirst no more.
But i do thirst... so much...
I am as dry and parched as the driest desert
You told me I would have life
but i feel no life
I feel like a lifeless sullen tree,
wasting away with the time.
I cry out for you, and you do not come
I know I have made so many mistakes,
but I have faithfully served you,
I have devoted my life to you
and obeyed your commands.
You asked me to give you my whole life
and i did.
You asked me to love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul
and I swear, if there is any love in me, it loves you
My greatest desire in this life is to love you and know you and please you
And here i lie on my face in this dust, feeling forsaken.
I beg you to speak to me,
and I hear no answer
You told me you would never leave me nor forsake me,
but I feel so alone,
with nowhere to turn
Is there nothing I can do, to change this?
there is nothing i can do
but wither away like the grass waiting for the rain.
God, I wish I could feel again.
I am so out of touch with reality,
nothing i do seems sincere,
even though I want with all my heart for it to be sincere.
I often wonder if anything could break me from this spell
I wish i could open my eyes again,
and see the world again for the first time.
I wish my heart could beat again,
like it did for the first time.
I wish I could love again,
Like I did for the first time.
I wish I had love,
but i feel none.
What i want more than anything is you, and love
I would give it all to be able to love again.

God, I will never give up on you
My heart will never give up,
But all it seems to be,
is helpless mechanical beats
inside of a cold stone
next to a clock quickly ticking away time
If I could feel right now,
My heart would probably feel like its dying.

but in these self-centered thoughts
you once again remind me...

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed, thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord unto me
God has been faithful, he will be again
He's always been faithful to me

God, I just want to love.
I love starting new,
making a new name for myself,
but it seems that every time I do start new,
people began to realize who I am
who am I?
I thought I knew
a million times,
but it seems that I never know
all i know is that I am yours
and i want that to be enough for me

Lord, I am so selfish,
always looking out for myself,
always doing what's best for me,
protecting myself from getting hurt,
and at what gain,
but making mistakes and hurting others.
I want to be selfless,
love is what i want the most
but why, why does it seem to be the furthest thing away?

i always think i have everything figured out,
but then i come to moments like this
where i realize that I don't
i really don't
and it reminds me that thats why i need you
and i just want to remember being held in your arms

i don't understand so much
and i don't know if i ever will,
but I guess that's what keeps me trusting in you
but how long will it be

a prayer

Dear God,
Here I am before you
What do I have to offer you that is of any value?
Lord, though it may be nothing compared to how great you are,
I give you all of me.
I long to give it all up for you.
I long for you to be constantly in my heart and mind
That I would do things for the purpose of serving you,
and stop this life of looking out for what's best for me.

I just wish it could all slow down.
I wish it could all make sense.
When will you reveal yourself to me?
When will you return a burning passion and desire in my heart?
Or am I to seek this out?
God have mercy, because I have sought it out for the last 3 years of my life.

Forgive me my wrongs,
my failures and shortcomings.
All I want to want in this life is to please you,
to make you smile and be satisfied with who I am
I want to be who you have called me to be,
break off anything other than that.
I am so lost, so I ask you to guide me, and I will follow
Let me be obedient to you, and sensitive to your spirit.

Thank you for your faithfulness, Lord
and for turning all the bad things into good.
I love you and praise you.
may these words be real and from my heart and not be in vain
hear them Lord,
hear them and answer them according to your good and perfect will.
Amen.

Jamaica Mission Trip

commitment

"I know this is kind of a cheap rip off of 'the love chapter' 1 cor 13, but i think that commitment is something that must be addressed to people of this generation.  we cannot idly or carelessly throw aside our friends, beliefs, or relationship with God, just because things get hard.  we must learn to be people who can make a promise and stay true to it"

What is commitment?

Commitment isn't an emotion,

it's not a tickle in your skin,

it's not a conditional promise,

it's not a pretty word with no value.

Commitment holds on,

with every last breath,

with or without feelings,

with or without receiving something,

without regard to what has been done to us.

Commitment is patient,

it is trusting, even when not understanding,

it is submissive.

Commitment is a signature written on your

heart that cannot be erased.

Commitment finds strength through weakness

Commitment never sleeps or takes vacations.

It does not wither away under pressure and trial.

It stands firm, to the end.

It is unconditional.

Commitment NEVER gives up.

where is desperation?

how can i define a feeling
of no feeling?
lifeless i live,
i am in despair
and do not feel it.
this is not who i wanted to be...
this is not who i want to be...
and it seems there is nothing i can do to change it
my thoughts have complicated life

there is no desire,
but let there be devotion
there is no sight,
but let there be hope
there is no feeling,
but let there be faith,
there is no love,
God, let there be true love

when can my heart be a heart again?
i beg for desperation
and only seem to find distractions
restore, revive this soul,
there is nothing more that i can do
but trust in you.
and praise you.
my heart feels of only false heartbeats
and if false heartbeats are all i have,
then i will serve you with each one.

one step away

i starve for truth
for purpose
fill this ignorant mind
and my famished soul

we don't want another light show
we want the truth
but oh how mistaken we are
as we try to find reality in the fireworks

im one step away from redemption
and i keep walking in every other direction
this feels too good
but my heart never stops aching
we blindly walk to be slaughtered
redemption is one step away
but this feels too good
so ill live like this until i die
and death will merely be a manifestation of the life that i lived

my child,
redemption is still only one step away

What if?

so i listed all these a week or so ago. maybe they dont apply to everyone, maybe no one else has thought about this stuff, or maybe everyone has. so these are my ramblings and scrambled thoughts, but i promise you they are from my heart. i wish i could live up to all of these, but by God's grace am i given my next breath, and by God's grace am i given the choice to decide what to do with that next breath.


Do you ever feel or wonder if theres more to life than what were living?

What if we stopped to think?
What if theres more than the daily routine?
What if theres more than all of our materialistic things?
What if theres more than movies and fashion?
What if theres more than coffee and grades?
What if theres more than what we hear on the news?
what if we stopped believing everything we hear and started believing things for ourselves?
What if we sought the truth?
What if theres more to a friendship then hello and goodbye?
what if theres more to friendship than just hanging out and having fun
what if theres more than myspace and facebook?
what if theres more to love than the infatuation that people make it?
what if we got sick of having tight-knit groups and cliques?
what if we actually talked about the things that nobody wants to talk about?
What if that lonely, rejected person you know committed suicide?
What if we could learn knowledge in school, instead of just trying to get a good grade?
What if we actually loved others more than ourselves?
What if we ran to God for help instead of only running to our friends?
What if we realized how many idols we have in our lives?
What if we realized that repentance means to change our mind and actions, not just saying "sorry"?
What if we stopped turning our backs on the word "repent" and we actually did repent?
What if we realized how much our lives are worth?
What if we realized Gods timing isnt our own?
What if we believed Gods love is enough?
What if we actually had faith?
What if God used us to heal the sick, drive out demons, and raise the dead, like the bible says?
What if we are complacent and live our lives without ever taking a risk?

What if theres more than what the pastor says every sunday morning,
What if theres more essentials to christianity than what we hear in Essential Christianity?
What if we thought about what we are taught?
What if we realized that we don't "just barely" get to heaven?
what if we realized that God is bigger than our problems?
what if we believed that through Christ, we are more than conquerors?
What if we realized God is our father?
What if we treated God like a father?

what if we stopped judging people?
What if we stopped judging people for judging us?
What if we gave up our misconceptions and preconceived ideas?
What if we knew that worship is how we live our lives to God, not just a song we sing?
What if we actually committed our lives to God instead of only chasing the emotional high?
What if we lived the way God wants us to live instead of the way we want to live?
What if we actually knew what true love is?
What if we knew God wants to be in all of our life, every moment of it, not just some of it?
What if people actually read the bible, and not just for the sake of reading it, but to learn things for themselves and to grow?
What if theres more than going to church on sundays and wednesdays?
What if theres more to life than simply being a "good person"?
What if theres more than getting married and having a family?
What if theres more than having a good career and getting rich?
What if we believed that our lives had a bigger purpose?
What if we gave up our strengths AND weaknesses to God?
What if we gave up our dreams, visions, and goals to God?
What if we actually lived what the bible says?
What if we stopped making Jesus who we want him to be and started believing in who he really is?
What if we actually gave up our lives to God, our WHOLE life?
What if we believed that miracles can still happen... all the time?
What if theres more to life than having fun?
what if we stopped only helping ourselves and started helping others?
what if we stopped living for ourselves?
what if there's more than what we're comfortable with?
What if we died tomorrow?
What if we would forgive people for their mistakes, just as Jesus forgave ours?
What if we told people how much they meant to us?

What if everyone actually believed that they could change the world?
What if we lived our lives one step away from the truth but never took that step?
What if tomorrow we wake up and live our lives exactly the same way we have been?
What if tomorrow we wake up determined to make a difference?


as i was thinking about these i thought- what if we did change the world? even that seems empty, and i remembered this verse. without love we are nothing. but a life of love is worth dying for and worth living for, a life of meaning and purpose. God, give us love, for you for others.

What if I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, if I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, if I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love? I am nothing
What if we knew that true love, God's love, never failed?

In My Weakness

And the time goes by,

More than two months have passed since college began,

All of a sudden I'm turning 19,

High school is over,

living at home is over,

the past is over.

the future seems to come too fast,

and the present, I can't grasp.



God, I've sought you, I've served you,

I wanted to change this mold,

but I'm falling into it molding me.

I'm becoming another complacent, casual life.

I wanted to bring revival,

I wanted to change this school,

I wanted you to use me to change the world,

I dont know where I am,

but i know you are a breath away

But as close as you are, I cant seem to muster the strength to reach out andtouch you

I've become distracted, and lax,

God, I've lost heart.

I was running the race,

but for some reason I've paused.

Can you give me life again?

can your breath bring me back?

will your grace be enough?

cause i know my strength isnt enough



Jesus,

take me to your heart.

If i could feel desperate,

i would

if i could lift up my hands

i would

if i could believe

i would

and i will,

with the little thats inside of me



I am weak,

but you are strong.





Amazing grace,

how sweet the sound.

Joe

These lies make you believe,
You're still climbing the stairway.
But how ever could you see,
when your eyes are filled with ashes
of people who were just like you

Piece by piece you blindly build
your seemingly comfortable coffins
and quietly the demons prepare the furnace

We've all been deceived!

With a friendly gesture these antidotes come
but when you shut your eye
It's too late to realize
your ignorance became your murder

we would be dead now
if it weren't for an undeserved second chance.
Your heart fails,
arteries clogged with the deepest darkest dross
There is one who sees through the black around you
and sees a child.
And with tears in his eyes,
in an effort to save you,
he spills out his blood and heart,
hoping you'll accept the transplant.

And once again,
the choice is yours