where is home?

I want to be home but,

I don't know where my home is,

because my heart is in a million places.

hope

It's better to hope, and get let down

then to never have hoped at all

At least I can say I tried.

Some say faith shows ignorance and weakness,

but I say it shows strength-

The willingness to hope and believe in success

and risk that failure may come.

But the real test is when failure does come,

Do we stay on the ground,

or do we get up and hope again?

have you ever thought about how weird the word "blog" is?

so i finally decided to get a blog put together.  it seems like it'll be a little better than posting all of my blogs on myspace.  so i will probably start posting some of my writings and stuff.  I will post my old writings according to the date I wrote them.  so you can look back and see all the stuff I've written

I do not feel fullness,
and i do not feel emptiness,
I feel nothingness.
Lord, you said I could drink from living waters
and thirst no more.
But i do thirst... so much...
I am as dry and parched as the driest desert
You told me I would have life
but i feel no life
I feel like a lifeless sullen tree,
wasting away with the time.
I cry out for you, and you do not come
I know I have made so many mistakes,
but I have faithfully served you,
I have devoted my life to you
and obeyed your commands.
You asked me to give you my whole life
and i did.
You asked me to love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul
and I swear, if there is any love in me, it loves you
My greatest desire in this life is to love you and know you and please you
And here i lie on my face in this dust, feeling forsaken.
I beg you to speak to me,
and I hear no answer
You told me you would never leave me nor forsake me,
but I feel so alone,
with nowhere to turn
Is there nothing I can do, to change this?
there is nothing i can do
but wither away like the grass waiting for the rain.
God, I wish I could feel again.
I am so out of touch with reality,
nothing i do seems sincere,
even though I want with all my heart for it to be sincere.
I often wonder if anything could break me from this spell
I wish i could open my eyes again,
and see the world again for the first time.
I wish my heart could beat again,
like it did for the first time.
I wish I could love again,
Like I did for the first time.
I wish I had love,
but i feel none.
What i want more than anything is you, and love
I would give it all to be able to love again.

God, I will never give up on you
My heart will never give up,
But all it seems to be,
is helpless mechanical beats
inside of a cold stone
next to a clock quickly ticking away time
If I could feel right now,
My heart would probably feel like its dying.

but in these self-centered thoughts
you once again remind me...

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed, thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord unto me
God has been faithful, he will be again
He's always been faithful to me

God, I just want to love.
I love starting new,
making a new name for myself,
but it seems that every time I do start new,
people began to realize who I am
who am I?
I thought I knew
a million times,
but it seems that I never know
all i know is that I am yours
and i want that to be enough for me

Lord, I am so selfish,
always looking out for myself,
always doing what's best for me,
protecting myself from getting hurt,
and at what gain,
but making mistakes and hurting others.
I want to be selfless,
love is what i want the most
but why, why does it seem to be the furthest thing away?

i always think i have everything figured out,
but then i come to moments like this
where i realize that I don't
i really don't
and it reminds me that thats why i need you
and i just want to remember being held in your arms

i don't understand so much
and i don't know if i ever will,
but I guess that's what keeps me trusting in you
but how long will it be

a prayer

Dear God,
Here I am before you
What do I have to offer you that is of any value?
Lord, though it may be nothing compared to how great you are,
I give you all of me.
I long to give it all up for you.
I long for you to be constantly in my heart and mind
That I would do things for the purpose of serving you,
and stop this life of looking out for what's best for me.

I just wish it could all slow down.
I wish it could all make sense.
When will you reveal yourself to me?
When will you return a burning passion and desire in my heart?
Or am I to seek this out?
God have mercy, because I have sought it out for the last 3 years of my life.

Forgive me my wrongs,
my failures and shortcomings.
All I want to want in this life is to please you,
to make you smile and be satisfied with who I am
I want to be who you have called me to be,
break off anything other than that.
I am so lost, so I ask you to guide me, and I will follow
Let me be obedient to you, and sensitive to your spirit.

Thank you for your faithfulness, Lord
and for turning all the bad things into good.
I love you and praise you.
may these words be real and from my heart and not be in vain
hear them Lord,
hear them and answer them according to your good and perfect will.
Amen.

Jamaica Mission Trip

commitment

"I know this is kind of a cheap rip off of 'the love chapter' 1 cor 13, but i think that commitment is something that must be addressed to people of this generation.  we cannot idly or carelessly throw aside our friends, beliefs, or relationship with God, just because things get hard.  we must learn to be people who can make a promise and stay true to it"

What is commitment?

Commitment isn't an emotion,

it's not a tickle in your skin,

it's not a conditional promise,

it's not a pretty word with no value.

Commitment holds on,

with every last breath,

with or without feelings,

with or without receiving something,

without regard to what has been done to us.

Commitment is patient,

it is trusting, even when not understanding,

it is submissive.

Commitment is a signature written on your

heart that cannot be erased.

Commitment finds strength through weakness

Commitment never sleeps or takes vacations.

It does not wither away under pressure and trial.

It stands firm, to the end.

It is unconditional.

Commitment NEVER gives up.

where is desperation?

how can i define a feeling
of no feeling?
lifeless i live,
i am in despair
and do not feel it.
this is not who i wanted to be...
this is not who i want to be...
and it seems there is nothing i can do to change it
my thoughts have complicated life

there is no desire,
but let there be devotion
there is no sight,
but let there be hope
there is no feeling,
but let there be faith,
there is no love,
God, let there be true love

when can my heart be a heart again?
i beg for desperation
and only seem to find distractions
restore, revive this soul,
there is nothing more that i can do
but trust in you.
and praise you.
my heart feels of only false heartbeats
and if false heartbeats are all i have,
then i will serve you with each one.

one step away

i starve for truth
for purpose
fill this ignorant mind
and my famished soul

we don't want another light show
we want the truth
but oh how mistaken we are
as we try to find reality in the fireworks

im one step away from redemption
and i keep walking in every other direction
this feels too good
but my heart never stops aching
we blindly walk to be slaughtered
redemption is one step away
but this feels too good
so ill live like this until i die
and death will merely be a manifestation of the life that i lived

my child,
redemption is still only one step away